The Ink Chapel

What jobs have you had?

When people ask, “What jobs have you had?” I never know how to answer. Do they mean the jobs that came with paychecks, or the jobs life assigned me without asking first?

Because if we’re counting all of them, I’ve had approximately 47 careers.

I started as a Professional Blanket Fort Architect. The pay was terrible, but the benefits package included unlimited imagination and the occasional juice box.

After that, I spent several years working as a Full-Time Lost Item Investigator. My duties included searching for shoes, TV remotes, library books, and that one thing someone swore they just had five seconds ago. My success rate was surprisingly high considering nobody ever knew where they put anything.

Then came my promotion to Family Therapist for People Who Didn’t Actually Want Therapy. My responsibilities included listening to problems, offering advice nobody followed, and saying things like, “Well, that seems like a bad idea,” moments before someone did it anyway.

I’ve also worked as a Professional Overthinker. This position required me to replay conversations from six years ago and wonder if I sounded weird when I ordered coffee. I excelled in this role.

For a brief period, I was employed as an Amateur Fortune Teller. Unfortunately, my predictions mostly consisted of things like, “If I wear a white shirt today, I will absolutely spill something on it.” My accuracy rate was nearly 100%.

One of my longest-running positions has been Customer Service Representative for Other People’s Poor Decisions. This job involves listening patiently while someone explains a completely avoidable situation they created themselves. The phrase “Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of our own actions” has appeared frequently in my internal employee handbook.

I’ve also spent years as a Reader, Writer, Daydreamer, Professional Collector of Books, and occasional Buyer of Books I Already Own But Forgot I Owned.

Somewhere along the way, I became a student. That’s probably the closest thing to a real answer. Being a student feels like having twelve jobs at once while paying for the privilege. You read, write, research, panic, edit, submit assignments, and then immediately start worrying about the next one.

So what jobs have I had?

Officially, a few.

Unofficially, enough to fill an entire LinkedIn profile.

And honestly, I think “Professional Survivor of Weird Life Experiences” deserves a promotion.

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Footnote: If overthinking counted as a paid position, I’d be retired by now and living comfortably on a beach somewhere. 😌🏖️🤣