The Ink Chapel

I live near Joshua Tree.

Not in Joshua Tree. I have not fully ascended into desert wizard status. I still require air conditioning, iced tea, and occasional contact with civilization. But I live close enough that when people leave one-star reviews of Joshua Tree National Park, I can read them while staring out the window at the same desert they’re complaining about.

And friends, I have discovered a genre of literature.

The one-star review.

Now, don’t get me wrong. There are legitimate complaints in life. A hotel can be dirty. A restaurant can serve cold food. An airline can lose your luggage and your will to live.

But a national park?

A national park is one of the few places where people willingly drive hundreds of miles to experience exactly what was advertised and then leave furious that they experienced exactly what was advertised.

One reviewer complained that Joshua Tree was “just rocks and cactus.”

Yes.

That is the desert equivalent of reviewing the ocean and writing:

“Water. Fish. Waves. Boring.”

Another reviewer seemed deeply disappointed that there were flowers, cactuses, palm trees, and desert scenery.

Again.

Correct.

The desert did, in fact, contain desert.

Then there was the reviewer who arrived in summer and immediately demanded answers.

“WHY IS IT SO HOT HERE?”

Sir.

You are standing in a desert in Southern California.

In summer.

This is like visiting Alaska in January and writing:

“WHY IS IT SO COLD HERE?”

The park did not trick you.

The weather was not a surprise guest.

The Mojave Desert has been very upfront about this arrangement.

One reviewer complained that there was no cell service.

I love this one.

Apparently the entire purpose of visiting Joshua Tree is to immediately notify everyone else that you are currently visiting Joshua Tree.

How are you supposed to tell people you’re in Joshua Tree if you’re too busy being in Joshua Tree?

A devastating philosophical question.

Another reviewer expressed frustration that activities such as flying drones, spray-painting trees, and blasting music from portable speakers were discouraged.

Let’s pause there.

Flying drones? Annoying.

Portable speakers? Annoying.

Spray-painting trees?

My brother in Christ, one of these things is not like the others.

The fact that someone typed that sentence with complete confidence is remarkable.

Then there was the family vacation review.

This masterpiece began with someone being pressured into taking a family vacation and somehow arriving at Joshua Tree after consulting Wikipedia.

The trip quickly deteriorated when they discovered two shocking facts:

1. The desert was hot.
2. There was not a single McDonald’s in sight.

The reviewer described this absence as “almost frightening.”

“Not a single McDonald’s in sight. It was almost frightening.”

Frightening.

🌵🌵🌵

Imagine the scene.

“Honey, stay close.”

“Why?”

“I haven’t seen a McDonald’s in 45 minutes.”

“My God…”

“What if we’re too far gone?”

The children begin to cry.

A tumbleweed rolls past.

Somewhere in the distance, a coyote howls.

The family huddles together as the horrifying reality sets in.

There are no Chicken McNuggets.

There are no Happy Meals.

There is only desert.

A park ranger appears.

“Sir, is everything okay?”

“How far to the nearest McDonald’s?”

The ranger removes his sunglasses.

“About thirty miles.”

The man’s knees buckle.

“Sweet mother of mercy.”

The desert wind whispers through the Joshua trees.

🌵

Then we have my personal favorite: the infrastructure review.

This reviewer observed Joshua Tree’s rock formations and concluded they needed restoration.

Not roads.

Not bathrooms.

Not visitor centers.

The rocks.

Specifically, the reviewer suggested steel beams and poured foundations.

I cannot adequately express how much I love this.

Those rocks have been standing there for millions of years.

Civilizations have come and gone.

Entire species have appeared and disappeared.

But apparently what those boulders really need is a contractor and a permit application.

Park Response:

Thank you for your feedback. We inspected the rocks and discovered they have remained upright for several million years. At this time, repairs have been postponed.

Another reviewer informed readers that Joshua Tree is only worth visiting under two circumstances:

1. You’ve never been to another national park.
2. You’ve visited every other national park and have no choice.

The confidence of this statement deserves recognition.

Imagine appointing yourself Chairperson of the National Park Evaluation Committee and announcing that one of America’s most visited parks is merely a participation trophy.

The review continued by criticizing Joshua Tree for being arid and colorless.

Again.

Desert.

We keep returning to this central issue.

People are arriving at a desert and discovering an alarming amount of desert.

Park Response:

We apologize that our desert contained more desert than anticipated. We are currently exploring options for additional waterfalls.

One reviewer complained that eventually they became aware of their own insignificance in the universe.

Now we’re getting somewhere.

Because this is where Joshua Tree quietly wins.

The funny thing about the park is that people arrive expecting entertainment and accidentally stumble into perspective.

You walk around long enough and eventually the phone stays in your pocket.

The silence gets louder.

The sky gets bigger.

The stars become ridiculous.

And for a brief moment you remember that the world existed before your deadlines, your inbox, your notifications, and your social media accounts.

The reviewer treated this as a negative.

Personally, I think that’s one of the best features.

Park Response:

Achievement unlocked.

Cosmic Perspective: +100 XP

Then there are the complaints about boredom.

This is fascinating because Joshua Tree asks visitors a question that modern life rarely asks anymore:

Can you sit still long enough to notice something?

Not everything has flashing lights.

Not everything has a gift shop.

Not everything has a soundtrack.

Sometimes there are just rocks, weird trees, lizards, birds, silence, and sky.

For some people, that’s magical.

For others, apparently it’s grounds for a one-star review.

And honestly, that’s okay.

Not every place is for every person.

If you want roller coasters, Joshua Tree is a terrible choice.

If you want air-conditioned entertainment, also a terrible choice.

If your vacation requirements include unlimited Wi-Fi, twelve restaurants, and immediate access to nuggets, perhaps consider a different destination.

But if you enjoy strange landscapes, enormous skies, ridiculous sunsets, weirdly shaped trees, and the occasional existential crisis, Joshua Tree may be exactly what you’re looking for.

As for me, I’ll continue reading one-star reviews whenever I need a laugh.

Because there is something wonderfully human about driving into one of the most famous deserts in the country and being outraged that it contains heat, rocks, cactuses, silence, and nature.

The desert remains unbothered.

The rocks continue standing.

The coyotes decline to comment.

And somewhere, a reviewer is still searching for a McDonald’s.

Godspeed, my friend.

Godspeed.

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Copyright © 2026 The Ink Chapel. All rights reserved. Even the cactuses.

Footnote: No deserts were harmed during the writing of this article. Several reviewers, however, appear to have been emotionally wounded by the presence of geology.